Wiring issues

Sometimes I get hit with anxiety. I fully believe that with everything that happened growing up for me, that my brain got wired to panic and see danger around every corner. The wiring in there is so much better now, but every once in a while it goes haywire. The past few days I have been have been one of those times. I had one of those hellish days at work on Friday and my wires got all tangled up. I think I have got the work situation under control, but it will take a few more days before I can truly cross it off my list. In the meantime, I gotta get my brain mellowed out again especially before hitting the clomid.

Right now I am aiming to have a brain that looks more like this. I am a husband after all.

The girl of my dreams

When I met you I was ready to go on one date. I had no idea I would be here with you 10 years later blissfully married, living together in our amazing apartment with our blended family (cat and doggy). I never imagined that something as great as this could exist. That is why I call you the girl of my dreams, that I never even dreamed of. Happy third wedding anniversary. Love you to bits.

This song is a little crazy but it captures the enthusiasm in my heart. Wo ai ni.

There is no decision….

What seemed simple on Monday does not seem so simple on Wednesday.

Today we went for a follow up at the old clinic. We already had the appointment booked and it seemed silly to cancel. Why not have a second opinion, right? The doctor at the old clinic, Miss Cleavage, is a little clueless about things such as how much this is costing us, is not good at explaining things and lacks some compassion. I do trust her medical knowledge though.

Miss Cleavage recommends that I do two more cycles on Clomid, but increase it to 100mg before moving on. This would give me a total of four IUIs before doing anything else. This sounds reasonable. I am 37. It would be a little wacky to say I have fertility issues because I didn’t get pregnant after two attempts.

It is hard to make decisions when my perspective is so muddy. We have been dealing with fertility issues for a year and a half and collectively we have done ten cycles. Psychologically and financially I am at ten, my actual attempts are at two. If I had not gone through the last year and a half I wouldn’t be talking to doctors about IV.F, I wouldn’t even be taking clomid right now. I still be optimistically trying drug free.

The other logistic is sperm. I have one vial left with Miss Cleavage and if this cycle does not work will have to order more. The new sperm will go to the new clinic. (We have decided to switch clinics for sure. Dr. Zen is so much better for us.) I think I will have to order sperm before I know if cycle three is successful to make sure it is at the new clinic in time for the December cycle. I guess that is not a big deal. The worst case scenario is that I would get pregnant and have bought two extra vials that I don’t need. Really that would be great that I am pregnant. Who cares about two vials! There are only two Chinese donors coming into Canada now through our bank. We really want one and really don’t want the other. Ordering last minute is risky. They could even have no Chinese donors when we try to order. I guess we just order now. One for the fourth IUI and one for possible IVF in January.

On the other hand why potentially spend so much money on fertility when we could invest that money in helping a child who is already here get a really good start on life. Do we discuss adoption again? Eek if we don’t go ahead with fertility now, that door will close. I am not getting younger.

I guess there are a few things decided. We are switching clinics after we use up this last vial. I will do one more cycle with 100mg clomid. I am not doing injectables. Another clomid cycle, adoption and IVF are still up for grabs. Really the most important thing is continuing to build a great life with my girl, one way or another. I have every confidence that will happen.

What’s next

We are still in between clinics. We decided that we wanted to switch to the new clinic that looks like a Zen cocktail lounge, but our sperm can’t swim there and it is expensive for them to be shipped. We will do one more clomid cycle at the old place and hopefully hit the jackpot!

Just in case that doesn’t work, we had a follow up appointment at the Zen clinic to figure out what to do next. We both really like our doctor and he is excellent at explaining things. He recommends after three cycles of clomid that we move to IVF. We talked about injectables, but they don’t up the chance of success that much more than clomid and it costs a lot more. There also is an increased change of multiples. IVF has a much higher success rate and there is the possibility of frozen leftovers for another try.

Some fingers waved around and as to who should do it and they both landed on me, the baby making husband. My girl has done a lot already and due to a little plumbing situation downstairs, IUI’s and ultrasounds friggin hurt enough that both of her ears are filled with tears each time. It brings tears to my eyes just being there with her. She has been a hero for us a family and still is. For IVF she will be a drug shooter and hand holder.

We have an appointment with the old clinic to get another opinion, but I think we should cancel it. They make me mad. They are so frustrating to work with and we only have been doing simple IUIs. I can’t imagine doing a complicated procedure with them.

This gives me a plan. I like plans they reduce stress. Hopefully this next cycle will be it. If not, in January we will be at the Zen lounge shooting drugs not drinking cocktails.

No to waiting

So many things are put on hold when fertility issues drag on. We live in limbo land and decisions regarding financing, housing, travel and what jobs to take are all affected. I am drawing the line at jeans. I needed them. I wanted them. They fit perfectly. I hope to get pregnant next month and grow out of them. I am not adding buying jeans to the list of things that are on hold. Life is too short to not have a hot ass.

Adoption

October is the month for getting answers. We started this journey wanting to adopt, so we know the basics and just needed the update. A few phone calls later to our two favorite adoption agencies and we got the scoop. Basically if we want to go that route the most realistic option is a local older child with special needs. It is possible that a birth mom could pick us and we could adopt a newborn, but there is no predicting how long we would wait and if that would ever happen. There are relatively few newborn adoptions in this province and even fewer going to families that are two moms, but again you never know.

Before the Hague Convention came in last year there were a lot of Canadian couples going to the US to adopt. I support Hague, which basically aims to protect children and says if possible kids should stay in their own country. It is a good adoption law, but it makes it difficult for us. One agency that is trying to set up US adoptions again, said that they are still waiting to see what the process will be now that Hague has come in. It will likely be more difficult, complicated, lengthy and expensive.

So where does this leave us? I will keep an eye on the states and see what happens. The agency has three couples trying to work through the US process now, so in 6-8 months they will have a better idea. Local adoption is also an option. If adoption was easier for same sex couples we would have already done it, and if anything, it is has gotten harder since we first considered it.

In the meantime, me and the missus are going go at it and see if we can’t get one of us with a bun in the oven. We can come back to adoption later, but now is the time to pursue fertility. Tick Tock if you know what I mean. Next week we have back to back fertility appointments.

Pure bliss

I may have to quit the day job and spend everyday on the beach. This was so much fun. I had no idea how much fun. I wasn’t even planning to surf on our weekend get away. We went away to take advantage of the ‘clomid break.’ It is freezing cold where we went. This ain’t no Hawaiian island, but with the wet suit it didn’t matter. Surfing and a perfect weekend with my girl. I can’t ask for more than that.

Opening doors

Continue clomid? Adoption? IVF? Injectables? Me continue trying? How many more times? She tries again? When do we call it quits? Do we switch clinics? Is our donor still available? How much will it cost? How to keep life fun while TTC?

Lots of appointments. Lots of phone calls. Maybe some decisions will be made.

October is a busy month.

Baby making husband fesses up

I may call myself a husband, but I am girrleee. I like toe nail polish, bikinis, shoes and bags. I don’t wear dresses or heels, but I could hardly be described as butch.

How did I become the husband? Well it all started when we first decided to start a family. I looked at her and she at me and we decided she would be the pregnant one. I looked forward to bragging about ‘getting my girl knocked up’ and generally acting like a peacock with my feathers out. I was hoping to bond with my girlfriend’s husbands. You know, slap them on the back and talk about our pregnant wives. I felt husbandly and couldn’t wait to start bragging and strutting.

Then the best husband moment came at our clinic. They never read the file. After the ultrasound my best girl was getting dressed and I went out to talk to the nurse and book her IUI. I had asked for a 10 am appointment and she then whispered to me…”so the husband will come at 8?” Without skipping a beat I said, “but I’m the husband.” The expression on her face was priceless. It took her a several moments to register exactly what was going on.

I have to say, it is harder to feel like a husband now that I’m the one getting knocked up and my lady business messed around with, but I continue to believe. Lucky for me, my girl is right behind me and told me that I am so husbandly that I could knock myself up.