Gym time

Arms. It is all about getting arms like Jackie Warn.er. I need some and F needs some. She is going to get a tattoo on her shoulder and wants it to look it’s best. I am just a fitness bunny at heart. We both went to the gym after work and had a great workout. It is nice to feel so free again with my body.

The new frontier

We are officially out of the care of Dr. Cleavage and into the care of the Zen clinic. I hope this is better. HonestIy, I can’t imagine doing IVF at the old clinic. When the doctor tells you to go home and have sex with your husband, you know they are not reading the files. That happened more than once. What makes it even funnier is that most of the time we were both there, together, for these appointments. In the end, there were so many more serious issues that came up with communication that I don’t have any confidence that anyone is on top of what’s happening or listening. F spent Monday phoning back and forth to the two clinics. After much wrangling our files finally got transfered. Everything there is good to go and I started clomid today.

Lensbaby doggy

F got a new lens called lensbaby and lucky Montana got a photoshoot and a game of ball at the park. This photo really captures her love of ball. I was holding it above the camera so F could get the shot.

The mountain

Last night I hit a mountain of grief. It wasn’t just the BFN, it was the whole thing. The 11 cycles we have done together over the last year and a half. The fact that I am one IUI away from IVF. I still can’t believe that I am considering IVF. I am scared of IVF. I feel guilty that we would spend so much money on that when I have been countries where there is just barely enough to go around. Seeing F cry. The way our lives are on hold, still. We are so close to the end of this journey and potentially we will leave it knowing we did all that we could, but it didn’t work.

I cried my eyes out last night. I finally slept and then work up crying. Each time I would relax enough to sleep, it meant I was relaxed enough to cry again. My ears filled up with tears. I held her and she held me.

Today I feel much better. My head is clearer and luckily I had an easy day at work. I don’t need to cry any more. I feel cleaned out.

Thanks for all the comments. When they get added an email is sent to me that goes to my phone, so I kept getting little messages all day. It made the world of difference. I can’t imagine doing this without my online community.

BFN

Limbo

Last night I saw red and was sure it was game over I cried the BFN tears and made us cocktails. Now this morning I still 90% sure, but am holding off on the Baileys in my coffee. Spotting and a temperature just hovering about the cover line, leave me in limbo. Grrrr Clomid. I just am relieved it is the weekend and am not trying to push through a day a work.

Anytime now

I usually get my period 11 days after ovulating. There is no actual two week wait for me. I have also never taken 100 mg of clomid and had two follicles though, so who knows what will happen. According to my calculations, I could get a period as early as Sunday, day 11. That seems likely as my temperature dropped this morning.

Bunnies relaxing on a Friday night

Trying to be normal

This morning I woke up dreaming that I had run out of sticks to pee on. I also dreamt that I had just peed when I realized this, so I had also run out of pee.

I don’t even have any reason to pee on sticks right. I have been trying to live normally during the TWW, but not totally getting there. The placebo effect runs rampant. The things I notice. Someone really should do some studies on just how many things we can experience while in the TWW.

I also loose the feeling of freedom in my body. The first five days after the IUI if I did too much my right ovary was twitchy. It was like having a funny stitch on that side. I am guessing it is a combination of clomid, the trigger shot and ovulating twice on that side. I worried about if I was doing too much when it was twitchy. I don’t want to ruin anything.

Miss Cleavage, my old fertility doctor, said women run marathon’s pregnant and to carry on with all the physical activities I am doing. I did cut out acrobatics because repeatedly falling and crashing while trying to get pregnant doesn’t make sense. I’m not that good at it yet, but it was so much fun. I also don’t do any fire breathing as it requires having mouthfuls of fuel. That doesn’t sound too good either. Oh yah and I am not stilt walking at all right now. I have been hesitant about that anyway because if I injure my arms I can’t work. However, tonight I am going to dance with fire in the park, in the dark on a rainy night. For me that is normal. I wish it wasn’t raining though.

It bites

My co-worker told me today that he and his wife are planning a trip to Asia and then are hoping to start a family right after.

That was what we set out to do. We had everything set up at the clinic and then headed out to SEA for a few months. We came back home with high hopes and started baby making.

Here we are almost two years later.

Sometimes it just hits in the gut.