I am permanent

I got my first permanent full-time job today.  I am the queen of contracts and working part-time in 5 places. I keep my accountant and myself very busy. I can remember taking an 8 month contract somewhere and feeling a little panic. I thought that was a long term commitment. I have worked at places for as many as 9 years, but always kept it auxillary, contract or casual. That way I could come and go as a I please. If the politics got annoying, I just took a break and moved on to somewhere happier for a while.

Right now my office is a happy place. My boss is amazing. There is  guide dog who is generally off duty in the office that I get to play with. I am calling my position temporarily permanent (inside voice only…don’t say that out loud at work). The only for certain in life is change. I love change. I am thrilled to be permanent until something changes.

Acupuncture goodness

Acupuncture is supposed to help. Dr. Zen says there are studies that it is beneficial around transfer time. That sounds good, but a very western approach. From a more traditional Chinese medicine approach, acupuncture is not usually considered a one time treatment.

The student doctors at the natropathic clinic have been working with me since March when this whole baby making business got started. They have had me doing and eating all kinds of things. Now they are planning to stick needles in me for four weeks prior to transfer and a couple weeks after. I get excellent care there at a fraction of the cost and the students are so enthusiastic and great.

I also want someone to a treatment on the transfer day so I booked someone that is affiliated with the  Zen clinic for that. I was hoping that she would be willing to talk with the students doctors to make sure everyone was on the same page regarding the treatment plan. Well, craziness of craziness, what I didn’t know is that she not only works with patients at the Zen clinic, but also supervises at the student clinic.  They are all going to work together on my treatment plan. I feel so well cared for.

I almost changed my mind

I blame it on Anne and John. Last night we watched the how to shoot yourself up and use the Q cap thingy. Required watching. It was like watching some kind of sick ‘only on TV’ infomercial. They smiled non-stop. Anne had a perfectly flat stomach. (I believe she also sells the abs crunch-o-matic.) John shot drugs in her butt while they both grinned manically. They made the PIO  (progesterone in oil) shots look like some kind of weird fetish.

All this ran through my head today as we meet with the nurse to go over the drugs and how to take them. I barely heard a word she was telling me. All I could think about was those PIO shots and Anne bent over the fireplace while John shot progesterone in her butt.  I know I can shoot myself in the stomach and maybe the leg, but those big progesterone needles scare the hell out of me.  Finally we got to the end of the treatment plan, and I heard the magic words that took me out of the fog of fear…prometrium pills for luteal support. No PIO shots!! I even asked just to make sure and nope I don’t have to take them.

新年好

Ella

My amazing grandma. I will miss her.

Timing is everything

F’s mom and aunt wanted to come and stay with us for a few nights in March. This would fall right around the time, assuming my eggs follow the plan, we will get the results of the IVF cycle we are starting on. There were some tears and panic last night. We live in a 600 square foot apartment. I can’t imagine having four of us in here during that time. I will either be still shooting up drugs, or crying and possibly doing both. That visit has been postponed. I am thrilled that her aunt wants to come and stay with us and that her mom came up with the idea. I am also so protective of the next two months. Every time F brings up scheduling things (except skiing) I get in a flap. I am trying not to flap, but sometimes I do. My main mission is to cut out everything I can, unless it is superfun.

Fire on tongue

Tonight is a night of firsts. I start the first drugs of the IVF cycle (birth control pills) and I put fire on my tongue. I have eaten fire, but never actually put it on my tongue. With a little extra dab of fuel on the tongue followed up with some fire, the tongue lights up. It felt all warm and fiery.

Snowshoeing on Sunday

My ovaries are doing whatever it is they do every day. Since they are just doing what they normally do, I get to run around with out them possibly exploding. I am loving every minute of unstimulated ordinary sized ovary life.

Sunday was snowshoeing up the mountain and sliding down on our butts. Plus a there is nothing like peeing on a mountain side with snow for tp. Talk about freedom!

Allan swore

You should have seen Allan, my accountant, on the phone with the tax people today. Wow. He gave them heck. I have never seen this side of Allan before. He usually is so quiet, polite and accountant-like. Today I took in the notice of re-assessment and he went straight to the phone and called CRA. There was a lot of talk of T4′s, T4A’s and a T1 redo something or another. The tax guy wouldn’t budge. Allan wouldn’t budge. Allan hung up and then let it rip. He even said the f-word. He then apologized profusely for swearing.  Allan emailed later and said forms have been submitted and I should not end up owing anything. This is a common mistake.  It will take a while to get sorted out and know for sure, but either way it will be ok. I have come to peace with it, seeing Allan swear made it all a lot better.

Searching for gratitude

I had it and it slipped away. Fertility issues suck. And they are expensive. Our insurance covers nothing. We had saved for one IVF cycle. That is huge and hard. This journey is huge and hard. I still had gratitude. I just got a notice of re-assessment for taxes. They changed how they want to calculate my taxes. On top of what I now owe, they are charging me interest on it.  Dam it. The timing is brutal. Gratitude has slipped away. I know it will come back, but this hurts. I am going to go for a walk on the sidewalks and go look at some street lights and think about the good things my tax money is doing. I may even go the gym and the library at the community center just to make sure that I really get my money’s worth of services tonight.