I got my fix

I have to wean myself off fancy fertility clinic ultrasounds every two to three weeks and onto the Doppler each month. It ain’t easy. I was getting some serious ultrasound withdrawal symptoms in the last couple of days. Do I refill my daily vitamin box? Should I buy some shirts that make the bump look cute? Do I wear the maternity pants or try to squish back into regular pants again. Am I really still pregnant?

Fear was rising up and threatening to strangle me again yesterday. I know the fear is partly from over two years of fertility treatments and partly from growing up in such extreme craziness that it qualifies me to be interviewed on daytime television. I am the poster child of resilience. Now I live in a great apartment with F and the pets and am surrounded by people that cry with happiness for us that we are finally pregnant. Life is good.

Last night we saw the midwife for our regular monthly appointment. The doppler found the heartbeat right away. What a relief. I am still pregnant. The midwife also helped me to feel where my growing uterus was. She also said that no more ultrasounds could be thought of as a relief since it means that everything is good. Now I don’t have to do anything for another month except figure out which pants to wear.  I feel better again.

PS belly shots coming soon

Comfort at last

After peeing in some cups to yet again proof I do not have any stds, I headed to value village to get some pants.  Boy oh boy did I ever score.  I didn’t know it was 50% off day. The place was a zoo, but luckily the maternity aisle was not as crowded. I got, jeans, dress pants, casual pants, light summer pants and a maternity hoody that is imitation Adidas style. The pants are all low rise style so I still feel cool. The change room lines ups were long so I tried everything on top of what I was already wearing. It was hard core VV shopping.

Guess how much 4 pairs of pants and a hoody cost? 24.68$! After what we have spent on fertility, I am all about a deal.

I am in love with my new maternity pants. They are so comfortable. None of my regular clothes are comfortable anymore or look good. I have only gained 5 lbs, but it is enough that my pants just don’t do up. By the evening when my stomach is bloated and bluck feeling,  uncomfortable pants are even worse. I tried the belly band, but it is hot and tight and I don’t like having my pants undone. It took a long time to get to this point where my appointments are “pants on” and I would like to continue enjoying keep’em done up. After trying on maternity pants, there is no turning back. They are so much better I may never wear normal pants again.

Happiness is…

feeling joy in my heart that I am pregnant

fear nipping at my heals once in a while instead knocking joy and hope out of my heart

laughing and crying with friends and co-workers when I tell them I am pregnant

coming home from work to hear F’s stories about telling people that she is going to be a mom

feeling the heaviness and grief from two years of fertility treatment start to heal

getting a message from my midwife confirming that she has all the ultrasound results from the Zen clinic and everything looks really good

the cloud lifting so that I can finally take care of myself and make plans

We are so lucky.  In the IVF 50/50 chance of success, we so far have landed on the success side. This has been an incredibly difficult journey, but I am finally starting to feel some peace.

For my blogger friends still duking it on the TTC road, I am sending you everything I got-karma, dharma, energy and crossing everything for a BFP.

Pants on Rocks!

Meet my new friend

Dildocam we are done. I have moved onto bigger and better things. Pants on ultrasounds. I like a friend who gives me my ultrasound fix and doesn’t make me take my pants off.

All good news. Heart is still beating and everything measures just right. We even saw jazz hands. I can’t believe how much is going on in there that I can’t feel. We are so incredibly lucky.

I can’t believe we made it to here. It took over two years to get those two lines on a stick. Even with those two lines Fear has been bashing Joy on the head whenever it dared to show up. Now we are 13 weeks and it is more than time for fear to take a back seat.

For those who know me outside of blog land, the secrecy ban on this pregnancy is lifted. smile. Thanks for sticking with me.

12 weeks and counting

I have crossed the magical line of the first trimester. I am however an ultrasound addict. It is a side effect of fertility treatments. I was booked to have an ultrasound today, but the doctor’s wife had a baby and I am rebooked for next Wednesday. I am in ultrasound withdrawal. I was really looking forward to crossing this first trimester line and getting a peak to make sure everything is still ok.  During IVF I went every two days. Then when I got pregnant I went at 7 weeks and 9 weeks, every two weeks. By the time I go again it will be 13 weeks. Four weeks is enough to cause serious withdrawal. I tried to rebook at another clinic, but in the end it was a lot of hassle and not really any sooner.

Optimism is slowly coming making a comeback.  I am getting better bit by bit, but is it is  long slow journey back after two and half years of fertility treatments to see the cup as half full and belief that anything might work. One day I am hoping to be able to see the cup overflowing again.

I am waiting to tell anyone until I have the other ultrasound and know that things are still ticketyboo down there.  The community that I work is small and news spreads faster than a status update on facebook. It is a little awkward because I am no longer working in the shop and other people are covering that job for me. They have no idea why I suddenly am not there. Life goes on and not being in the shop really falls into the category of no big deals. I am really looking forward to next week when I have my very first pants on ultrasound.  I hope I don’t forget and drop my drawers.

Fire pictures

Fire costume with belly band

As requested here are some photos of the fire dancing I do. There are no actual shots from the show I just did, due to the torrential downpour. These are from other shows.  I included a picture of my modified costume with the belly band to disguise the expanding belly.  It is a small belly but it jumps out of the costume at just the wrong spot. The costumes don’t cover much!

Fire Hoop

Fire skipping rope. Yes we jump in it!

False eyelashes, fishnets and a belly band

For the first time since IVF I did a fire show.  On the actual show night it dumped rain and it was like dancing with fire in a shower. It was the wettest show we have every done. No chance of anything we didn’t want catching fire. We were happy our tools still lit.

It felt good and scary to dance again. The reduced activities during and after IVF left me feeling scared to move too much. I still have bits of that fear even now.  Each venture back to physical activity (biking, swimming, yoga, dancing)  is a big step. Ironically, I know lots of pregnant types feel guilty for not exercising and moving enough. The only restriction I have is the fire hoop on the waist. One doctor said yes, the other said no. No biggie there are plenty of hoopy things to do with out putting it on my waist.

This was a full costume, lashes, fishnet kind of a show. This look was  complimented by a bloated belly full of gas. It was threatening to stick out in some kind of crazy unattractive way between my low rise shorts and top that I use for shows.   Actually it wasn’t even threatening,  it was just there sticking out. This required a bold move on my part. The belly band. I felt like some kind of crazy lady going into that maternity store buying the band. What was I doing in there?  I am pretty sure the women that work there were on to me.  On to me for what? I don’t know, but they were.  It had to be done though.  There was no way I was going out there to perform without at least something covering my bloated belly.