Coming round the mountain

• Ultrasound says baby is big enough and not too worry
• My sister came with me to the ultrasound and swimming after
• This afternoon F started to look a lot better
• I am guessing that in a few more days she will look healthy enough that she can make it into the hospital if Junior comes early
• My good friend CH helped me shop at the Superstore, so that we now have some instant food in case the baby comes early
• We hired a house cleaner and the carpet is now puke free
• I am less overwhelmed
• After I wrap up some emails and paper work I will be done work!
• I did laundry and have clean maternity panties again.

I hit the wall

Dam this flu. Last night I reached the end. I went to prenatal class and checkup and collapsed. They told me, that I looked terrible and needed to rest more and I am losing weight instead of gaining. My midwife says she thinks everything is fine and I am having a baby that is the right size for me, but I should have another ultrasound to be sure.  F was still really sick and I came home and we cried in our separate rooms. Then sometime during the night my throat started to hurt ( I think from crying) and then I cried more because I thought I was getting sick.

I was supposed to go back to work today, but I emailed my supervisor and told her I am done. I am too worn out and overwhelmed. I was supposed to work this week and three days next week. I am hoping that sick days will cover this time, but either way I can’t do it anymore. Taking care of the house, F and the dog while being so scared about  mine and juniors health was too much. I also realized it will also take F a while to get better.

My throat feels better today and I feel like a weight is being lifted off my shoulders. I wasn’t planning on leaving work this early, but I feel so much better. Today is the first day that F and I are allowed to be in the same room and she is considered non-contagious. It is also the first day she has been awake.

So far so good

It is a sunny Monday and I am not sick. Knock on wood. Yesterday I wasn’t sure if I would be sending F to the hospital, but she is getting better.

She still has to stay in one room and we are lysoling everything until she is finished taking the tami.flu pills and should no longer be contagious. She doesn’t actually move anyway, so that is easy. I managed to get two sick days off work so I can basically nap and take care of junior, me and her.

My heart has stopped pounding in fear that I will get sick and she will be in the hospital. It is a surreal experience having her so sick and taking care of her while wondering how junior and I will make it through if I get sick.  The past few days are so similiar to when I did the IVF transfer and she got really sick. I was on bed rest and she was in a separate room with the flu. I was so scared of getting sick and having the cycle be a bust.

F has promised me to get the flu shot for the next three years. She got the flu before the shot was available this year, but her immune system basically thinks it’s party time every time a bug comes around and joins right in instead of fighting them off.

Dam it.

F is sick with the flu. The full on flu. This girl can really get sick. Which kind? Who knows. The CDC says there is  no point testing. She is taking tam.iflu. I also have a prescription that I can take if I show any kind of symptoms.

Today was really stressful. Her doctor’s office wasn’t calling back. We are both scared about me getting sick. Luckily the birth program I am in called prescriptions for both of us in. They said there is no point in me staying somewhere else now, since I have already been exposed to what ever she has. We are lysoling the house and she is sleeping in a separate room just to reduce further exposure. I am also going to make extra sure that I get enough rest, lots of fluid and eat extra oranges for Vitamin C.  I am so scared of  getting as sick that sick right now. So far so good.Knock on wood.

Want quick service at the pharmacy? Go and pick up the tam.iflu prescription. I have never been helped so fast. They carefully avoid mentioning the H word. They didn’t even want me to pay for it. Just here you go and call us if you have any questions.

New pathways

This last week has been a good one and I finally am starting to feel more relaxed. Many great things happened.

One of my concerns all the way through this fertility process has been getting through all the medical stuff with out it sending me in a tailspin down trauma lane.  My growing up experiences were so far out there (not in a good way) that I could easily be on Oprah or in a tabloid. Thanks to some great support, drugs and presents I have made it through so far.

This week a bunch of things came together that helped my brain get some new neural paths in a more positive direction for labour and birth.

• In the prenatal class the master doula came and showed some videos and added hilarious commentary. She has tons of enthusiasm, a positive attitude and a great sense of humor.
• The first couple in our prenatal class had their baby. The hospital was crazy full in September, due to the snow storm 9 months ago, and despite all the chaos and a difficult labour they are looking good.
• Our doula that is assigned to us came to our house with a kit full of things that will help with labour. She says the baby is in a good position. She spent over an hour with us.
• I had a surprise shower at work on Friday and it was so much fun. I truly love the people that I work with. My co-worker’s wife just had their baby last month and they came to the shower. That was the best part. J gave me a few tips that she learned during her 60 hours of labour!
• My care providers aim to only  do the necessary medical interventions and checks. I also have great plans for dealing with anxiety from medical things so that even if it does happen it will be ok. I can also ask for  anti-anxiety drugs if I need to have a C section.
• Tomorrow I am going to see my natropath student doctors to get some things to take during and after labour. The program I am in completely supports this.

All of this left me feeling better. I feel like my brain started to grow in a new more healthy direction. Everything is starting to fall into place. I am so happy to be in this prenatal program (Centering Pregnancy). Having group care and ongoing short prenatal classes has let me slowly start to take everything in and not be too overwhelmed. I feel more able to make other decisions related to this baby now.

Other news this week….

Zoe finally passed the car seat inspection after they redid everything we had done

Moumee actually likes the baby ergo and gives it two paws up!

A new kind of pants off

This was a DIY pants off appointment.  The clinic we are going to do incorporates prenatal care with the prenatal class. Anyway, Tuesday night was more about labour, doulas and GBS testing. GBS testing ain’t rocket science and we were all given kits and sent the washroom. No big production, no monkey around with my lady business, just me and a giant q-tip. I like this place. They avoid messing around with you unless it is necessary. I also pee on my own sticks for glucose testing, take my own blood pressure and weigh myself.

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The eagle has landed!

The chair is here! I slept part of the night in it due to heart burn and feel like I have gotten my money’s worth already. It isn’t the lazy boy I dreamed of because it turned that the one styling modern chair they have that I love starts at 1,100 and takes 6-8 weeks to order. Puffer you are right to plan ahead.

Luckily a store next door offered a much much cheaper chair that reclines with no rocking and it was available that day. Much better. We are calling it the faux leather boy. It isn’t that shiny in real life!

Thanks for all the comments. I realized that there isn’t one perfect chair for all this business and since I am itching to recline right now I went with that. I will figure out Junior’s ladder and the mountain of pillows later.

A chair and a ladder?

There is nothing comfortable for me to sit in in this house. After work in the evenings I am either soaking my hands in hot water and using ice packs (I do this twice a day now) or pacing around. Nothing feels right for my back and my hands and feet aren’t comfortable either from swelling.  Moumee is loving it that she can sleep on F on the couch and I am no longer there bugging her. I don’t like it. A good friend also pointed out to me that I should get something comfortable to sit in for nursing.

The whole thinking about getting a chair for nursing lead me to trying to picture nursing and what it would look like. Suddenly the nursing pillow I have seems totally inadequate. I may have handed in my ittybittytinytitty membership card when I got pregnant, but they are still not that big. Junior is going to need some serious help to get up high enough to for a drink. This is going to take a lot of cushions and possibly even a ladder for Junior. What kind of chair works best in this kind of situation or does it even matter?

The other issue is that F has extreme motion sickness. Ferries even on a calm day, light flickering on a computer screen, elevators, any transportation that she is not driving, canoes, hand held movies and seeing people in chairs that move all make her sick for hours. We have tried different things, but so far she is stuck with it. While traveling in Asia she took 130 motion sickness pills. We bought them in every country we were in. I know most people get gliders to nurse in, but she will have to close her eyes or go in another room anytime it is moving. That seems a little crazy. How important is it to be in a chair that moves?

I am considering getting a modern looking lazy boy. I just can’t do the old school kind even though they are comfortable.  They don’t rock, but they do recline. Would that work?

A strong heart

So many of my dear blogger friends are duking it out with fertility issues. This is such a hard road to be on. The hormones (drugs), the expense,  the difficult medical procedures and the roller coaster ride are a brutal combination. You have to be seriously hard core to get through it. You also have to be seriously hard core to quit ttc and pick a new direction. F and I spent two and a half years and fell on the lucky side of the 50/50 chance of success we had with IVF. That was likely going to be our last attempt whether or not it was successful.  That tww with nothing in the freezer was the hardest one I have ever done. I was staring at two paths in front of me not sure which one I was going to be on.

Fertility issues take such a toil and truly require a strong heart and spirit.  I see evidence of it everyday in blogland. People who pick themselves up and keep trying or pick a new path that leads to something else that is great. I see people finding more strength than they knew they had as they take another step and head bravely forward. The journey of dealing with fertility issues is so invisible to the world we live in as part of getting through it tends to be putting on a brave face when heading out into the world. The world misses out on seeing the strength that you have.

This post is dedicated to those still on the journey.