Home and healthy

She had a little something that really ended up not being too much, but because she is a newborn with a fever they jump fast. The long labour, my suspected infection, the meconin in the fluid and her previous respiratory infection I am sure also influenced their decision to act quickly. I still wonder if we made the right choice letting them treat her. It is just hard to do much else when there are two pediatricians saying we need to in case she is getting terribly sick and waiting to find out could have serious consequences for her. I truly hope to never go through that again. She had so many tests and antibiotics. I feel really terrible about it. It helps me to see the doctors and nurses with her and remember that they are very kind and I know they are doing their best to take care of her. I threw way our thermometers because I feel like they are tainted with bad luck. I am not using them again. We will start the new year with a new thermometer.

After being admitted Christmas night, we spent another two nights in the pediatric ward. F was with us during the day and I stayed at night. The hospital is set up for one parent to stay at night. I was proud of the fact that I spent two nights alone taking care of her. The nurses were there, but just checked on her IV’s and vitals. This ward followed our schedule more and so we got a lot more sleep than our first hospital stay. I can jump into hospital life quickly now. One of my main activities is making a lot of laundry. I don’t hesitate to throw things in the hamper and raid the supplies closets for more. I secretly enjoy that.

While we were at the hospital F slept at home for two whole nights without interruption which is great. I love that she gets more sleep because it gives her more energy during the day. She takes care of so many things for us right now. Yesterday, in my attempt to start doing more household things, I did laundry and washed my crackberry. I am now using an old cell phone. That was a very expensive load of laundry and I am in crackberry withdrawal.

On our last day there I saw the doctor again who we first met in the ER who was so confused about us and how we could be a family. While I was in the bathroom he asked F is she was the sperm donor and then asked her is she was the egg donor. He couldn’t seem to wrap his head around that fact that I had given birth. What are they teaching them in medical school? The rest of the doctors and nurses were great. Maybe that other one just took a nap during reproductive organs class.

Mostly, I am looking forward to a new month. December has worn me out. Between the two hospital stays and my mil who is visiting, we have had just over a week together just as a three of us family.

Thanks for all the love and comments and a special appreciation for our friends who have learned to use text messaging so they could stay in touch with us during our hospital stays

Childrens hospital again

We naively thought a fever meant childrens tylonel. Baby Z is under a month and still catorgized as a new born and so it meant a trip to emergency, many tests and intravenous antibiotics again. There was no waiting in er and we were rushed through and treated fast enough that it was overwhelming. I thought it was overkill but two pediatricians told us no it was not. I aim to be grateful for healthcare , but I wish it was more like startrek and didn’t involve so much baby crying and unhappiness. f was again a hero for us. I can’t imagine doing this without her.

Ziya looks better and if her tests are clear we will leave tomorrow sometime. I have a cot in her room so I can stay and nurse her.

I never would have believed it would be possible to go without sleep for so long. Labour and this have shown me otherwise. I can’t wait for us to go home again. I just want to go to bed with her and hold her on my tummy. She is sleeping on me now, but it is just not the same as home.

So many healthcare provides treat us a family, but for some we are a puzzle. How did this blonde haired blue eyed mom have a baby that looks Chinese and who is that other girl who is Chinese hanging around saying she is also a mom?

Happiness and hugs for everyone

Waiting for Santa

First moon birthday

Ziya had her First Moon Birthday. We celebrated it a little early. She is not quite a month. Her Popo made red eggs and chicken and brought it to the relatives in Edmonton before she came to visit us here. She has been showered with Hóng Bāo (red packets) from her both sides of her family. We got her a Chinese outfit which is way too big, but really cute. She will be able to wear it on Chinese New Year as well. It is a boys one because F liked it better. We went out for a banquet meal and ate lots of lobster. I bought her a book about a little boy’s first moon birthday and we will add pictures of her birthday in there.

Chomper

Little Ziya got nicknamed Chomper for a good reason. She is a natural breast feeder. She latched like nobodies business right from the start. All the nurses commented on her sucking strength. I swear she was born with teeth. Ouch serious ouch. In the beginning I could only feed on one side and had to hand express the other side it hurt so much. This was while I was still on painkillers for the C section. Luckily, we had a midwife who stepped in as the process was beginning to break down and we set up a plan that involved pumping so that I got a break and she got the milk. We pumped every two and half hours day and night. The clock starts when you start pumping so we slept at most for two hours at a time.

Then little Ziya got sick and was having some respiratory problems. I had a fever throughout labour and they weren’t sure if she got an infection from me or if she had meconian in her lungs. I continued pumping and she had an iv so that she could focus on getting strong rather than eating. Once she got a little better she was bottle fed in her incubator a combination of donor milk and my pumped milk. As she got better the nurses helped me to start breastfeeding again. I was scared to start again, but the pumping saved us. My breasts got a break and healed and my milk was slowly starting to come.

This morning, twenty-one days after she was born, I fed her laying down in bed for the first time. I finally felt strong enough after the c section to move us both around while laying sideways. I set up us up in the co-sleeping position in case we fell asleep, which we did. It was so restful and I am so happy that breastfeeding worked out for us. I still call her Chomper, but I think she has relaxed her grip a little bit and I have toughened up.

Thanks

Thanks from the bottom of my heart for all the support over the last year and helping us to get here. I just re-read all the comments on Ziya’s birth and am grateful for all the kind words and encouragement.

I can’t believe that we finally made it through ttc, pregnancy, labour, the special care nursery and have her at home with us. I look at her and love her more everyday.

Solo

We made it on our first solo mission around the block. I am used to running around the city doing weird and wacky things to entertain myself.  Right now, the nurse told me not to drive because it involves too much twisting, not to carry the car seat and I can’t use a baby carrier yet. However, my legs are getting a little stronger and so me, baby and buggy hit the sidewalk. We went around two blocks. It was great! I can’t wait until the cs is healed and we can start zipping around the city together. 

Baby pile up

We made it to our very last a class. Ziya was the last baby to be born and had the longest delivery. She is the one in the blue onsie on the left. This baby pile up photoshoot was as much fun as dressing up the pets for Christmas.

Birth

What a blur. I was hoping for a drive by birth. I would basically show up, drop the baby and we would go home together. I was also hoping to keep things positive and present and not spin down into past trauma.

Due to baby lateness (11 days), I had been planning to take the cocktail on Saturday morning, but labour beat me to it and started Friday night after building an ikea chair. I was hoping that being on my hands and knees assembling would help the baby move into a good position. We did the first part of labour at home with my doula’s help. There was puking, cheering, baths, walking and some tyenol and gravel to try to sleep. After many hours and only 2 centimeters dilated my midwife suggested a shot of morphine so that I could sleep. The main concern was that this was looking long and that I would get too tired by the end.

Car rides and contractions are not fun and we had to wait an hour to get the shot. They gave me laughing gas. I kept breathing it thinking if this is how much it hurts while breathing gas non-stop I am never going to make it home in the car. Turns out it was never on! Luckily the later on when they gave it to me a second time later on the doula caught that it was off. It does actually help and I recommend it!

I came home after the shot and kept going. Eventually we went back to the hospital and got admitted. I thought it would be impossible to have contractions and anxiety at the same time. I figured that contractions would trump everything else. Turns out it is possible it is possible to have both. Yikes! Being in the birth room and seeing all the medical equipment hit the anxiety buttons, but I made it through with F’s help. Not too big of a deal. Eventually I made it to 5 cm at the hospital. Labour was wacky the whole way through. It stopped and started and then contractions would come one after another. After many many hours of this, my midwife suggested oxtocin and I decided to have an epidural with it.

The epidural was the best decision ever. I was finally able to sleep and all the anxiety about being checked and examined went away and for the first time I felt my body relax. We were hoping this would help open things up. I had a great nurse, midwife, doula and F and I started to feel like I was in a warm safe place in the hospital. But again, labour was still so slow. I finally got to 9.5 cm and stayed there for 4 hours. There was a little bit of cervix that just wouldn’t budge. Multiple OB’s came and finally decided I should try pushing and see if it goes away.

I was a super rockstar pusher and pushed with everything in me for two and a half hours. I am very proud of the pushing and that I made it that far.

After pushing for a while all kinds of people wanted to reassess to see if that last little bit bit of cervix was budging. The delay meant that they wanted to put the catheter back. Unfortunately the epidural was getting low and the catheter suddenly unexpectedly hurt. The safe warm bubble I was in suddenly burst.  The dam holding the trauma issues burst and it was almost an hour before I was able to refocus again. I wish this part had been smoother for me. I also know that given everything, I did really well in labour and birth. Given that amount of severe trauma I have been through, it sometimes  jumps out and bites and that is a part of my life. I have come so far and it rarely hits that hard, but still there is no magical eraser for it. I want to feel that I did really good in labour and proud of everything and this anxiety attack still bugs me a little.

Basically this baby was stuck and I was spent. I had been in labour since Friday night. She was sunny side up and not in a good position to come out or to get my cervix to dilate. I had walked and walked and tried different positions and she was still stuck.  Late Sunday night I had a C section. It was amazing after so many days of labour to suddenly have her pop out in 10 minutes.

I look at her now with and can’t believe we have her with us and that she is the one that has been kicking my right rib for months. F was incredible during the whole labour and then got to hold little Ziya right after she was born.

Ziya

Thanks so much for all the good wishes! We are so lucky to have a blog family. I will post more later.

xoxox