Grey

Everyone’s pictures for An Offering of Love’s photography project have been amazing and inspiring. I’m hooked. I didn’t plan on becoming hooked, but I am. Luckily I had a couple of pictures with grey in to post for this month. I already have my eyes peeled and my camera ready for things for next month.

Fridays

I love Fridays. Made it through another week. Thanks for all you kindess and comments this week.

The river

Don’t quit the day job I tell myself, but I am filled with quitting thoughts. Filled. Usually I make to Tuesday. Today it is Monday. Work was a swirling vortex that I stepped into this morning, spent the whole day whirling around in and finally was spat out at home. Bee was in her own vortex. Nine hours with no nap. That is the longest she has been awake in her whole life. She hasn’t settle in enough yet with her new daycare lifestyle to sleep properly. It is only the beginning of the third week. I know it takes time. Most days have been better.

Why not quit the day job? Everyday I can’t remember why. I re-discuss it with F over and over again…long and short term plans, contracts, benefits and just a whole lot of this and that logistical business that means I shouldn’t quit, at least not yet. Most days I like my job. I walk to work. I am part of a great team. I learn a lot. I was able to take a leave this year so that I work four days a week. Bee has fantastic place to go for daycare. There are lots of positives, but my heart hurts to not be sharing my days with her. That is the bottom line and that is why everyday I struggle to remember why I am not quitting and handing in my notice when I walk in the door at work.

I have so much to be grateful for. I also throw myself into the river. I went to mediation briefly and I seem to remember that I am supposed to stand and watch the river go by and be observant or something like that. I am thrashing around trying swim upstream in the river. I don’t have flow, observance and harmony. I fight and struggle against this new schedule our family is living. I haven’t accepted it.

I am sure that there is a way to make this better, to cut costs, live with less, work less and find a balance that doesn’t leave such a large ache inside me. I also know that we are facing two possible strikes, loss of my job due to restructuring and that F is axillary with no permanent position. Right now we are in flux and stuck in the rat race at least until the dust settles. I am going to hold onto my day job a little longer, but I am also going to use some vacation and take sick time when I can to hold me over until we can figure a work schedule that feels more harmonious and right for our family.

Restored

A bath with candles, a glass of water,and a massage all supplied by f. Add in there an early bed time. I am restored.

Playdough fun

Tired

We did it. I have been at work for three months, but F has been home. I was working, but it was still like we were on a semi vacation because we mostly had one of us at home. We just finished the first big week where she went to daycare and we all went to work. She is the in the best place ever at our friends place seven blocks away. There are so many positive things about our situation, but us both working is this much is not the schedule I want for us. I still am exhausted and really wish that I was working less. I miss our magical days where Bee and I were at home and went out on adventures, ate snacks and changed diapers. F is also on shift work and even though she is a quiet has can be, Bee wakes up when she does. With the 4am snack attacks, waking up more because of the transition she is in and getting woken up with F’s morning schedule I am worn out. I know it will get easier and we know have the first week under out belts. I went to yoga today and realized I am doing a lot of exercise when really all I want to do is the relaxation part at the end. Ah Shavasana you are my friend.

Gung Hay Fat Choy :)

She’s been practicing this for months!