Linky links

Wow I found a new blog and an amazing post on donor issues that is full of links to other very interesting articles at First time second time.

Here are two links to posts  she has written on this topic.

Donor sibling registry yay or nay?

Donor Conception – Is everything changing? 

I also read another interesting article that was linked on A queer family grows in redneckville.

A look inside the sperm industry in the US.

The carnival on Love makes a family has been great. I have enjoyed reading everyone’s posts on using donors. It has given me lots to think about. Thanks!

 

 

 

 

Not all Dads are roosters

We have been reading a lot of books about farm animals and talking about the pictures of  baby animals, mama animals  and the picture of a rooster, who is often the one ‘dad’ who is clearly identifiable in the farm books. A little while ago  I realized that Bee’s concept of Dads was that they were roosters. With a few more books and talking about some real life dads,  she now knows that dads can also be blue*, penguins** and people.

In general, I would like her to grow knowing that there are all kinds of families and all different kinds of ways of living in the world. For me this links in to the donor issue which is this weeks topic in the carnival blog Love Makes a Family. Bee will grow up knowing that a donor helped us to have a family and that we are one of the many different kinds of families out there in the world.

The world is as much of  a wacky small place as it is huge. We could run into a child with the same donor at the farmer’s market and quite possibly did. I could be following blogs of familys who used the same donor as us. It is time to roll with this.  I am opening the door as far as connecting with donor siblings.  I wasn’t sure what to do with that door before. I felt some pressure that I needed to have a plan in place before opening it. But really, what plan could cover all circumstance from the farmer’s market to the Donor Sibling Registry?  While connecting with  donor siblings isn’t cutting edge, there isn’t a clearly traveled path in front of us either. Right now our door is open on the donor sibling issue and we will see where it takes us.

*One Dad, Two Dads Brown Dad, Blue Dad. By Johnny Valentine

**And Tango Makes Three. By Justin Richardson, Peter Parnell

One two three

I started blogging because I needed to pour my heart out while ttc and I truly did pour it out. Then I kept blogging because it was so exciting to be pregnant and share that experience with others  who were either also pregnant or with little ones. All the while cheering for those  there still working their way through the ups and downs of ttc. What I never imagined when I started this journey, was that I would be here with a toddler and part of a community of blogger friends that I sincerely care about. How lucky I am.

In this blog community there is a call out to share honestly about our relationships and how things have changed since adding a baby or babies. My heart goes out to all those families who are struggling right now. Babies, or any big change, sure can rock the boat and bring about some stormy times.

To be honest, this relationship has a lot of rainbows and sunshine going on which might not be so comforting to those who are struggling.  So I do say nothing or tell it like it is? Read on if you are up for it.   Here we go. F and I are in our 13th year together. I love her to bits. She is the girl of my dreams that I never even dreamed of because I never knew it could be this great. This is the funnest and easiest relationship I have ever been in. Having Bee has been fantastic and aside from more grumpy sleep deprived moments we have come through this just fine. I also did not return to the work force in a significant way until Bee was 11 months. I can’t imagine how much more stressful things would have been if I had gone back at 3 months or even worse 6 weeks like so many of my blogger friends have.

Our rockiest time together was in trying to decide whether or not to have a baby and when to do it. (The rockiness was maybe a couple of months…I can’t remember.) What made this time so challenging was that F had switched careers and between our work schedules we generally had about three or four days off a year together and  a couple of hours together after work before she went to bed. Our income also hugely dropped. This schedule lasted about two years.  At one point we even went to see a couples counselor. It was so freaky to do that. I am still not over it and can barely admit that we did it . We only went once and it was hugely helpful. She pointed out something that both of us missed as we were trying to muddle our way through this time, with the schedule and financial change we had lost our way of solving problems and resolving issues.

Prior to this schedule change we had a superb way of resolving issues. When something challenging came up that needed to be talked about, we would put off discussing it until we had a nice drink and some very fine food in front of us. Things quickly fell into perspective during those meals and we almost looked forward to the more difficult discussions because it was the perfect excuse to treat ourselves. The bigger the problem the better the food and atmosphere needed to be. We might even have to go more than once. If we resolved something hard on the spot at home, we figured we were owed the meal and still went out later. There were a lot of weekend get aways too.

What happened was the perfect storm; we were going through a large transition with F’s work, while trying to make big life decisions and had lost our way of working through challenges together. We had to find ways to pull it back in even it was less often, shorter and less expensive.  This experience left me with a deep appreciation of how important it is to have a way of problem solving together and to watch out for life changes that rock that system. Since having Bee, we don’t go out a lot on dates, but we get enough dates and time together that it’s good.I hope we don’t let things slide and take this relationship for granted. One thing is for sure, at the first sign of any trouble I will be buying groupons for restaurants and booking babysitting so that we can bring on the lifestyle again.

PS Today is the official blog carnival day for posting on this topic and I didn’t want to miss it but I am not exactly sure why I called this post “One  two three” but I am way too tired to come up with anything else and I am also too tired to proofread.

Everything happens and can be found at the farmer’s market

This weekend, while buying corn and listening to music, we ran into a family who we have always thought there is a high possibility that they used the same donor as us. I haven’t seen them since Bee was born. There was one of those half conversations, the other mom commented, “oh so you used an Asian donor…”  In the end the conversations was left oddly comfortable and non-noncommittal on both of our parts.

Some facts about our donor situation that make our world about as big as the farmer’s market.

• There were three banks being used by the clinics in this province: one is a Canadian bank with very few donors and the other are  two are larger American banks that have a small number of donors that are processed to be compliant with Canada’s health regulations.
• When we got pregnant there were three Chinese donors coming into Canada.
• Identity release was very important to us, which meant that we selected from a choice of two donors.
• One of those two donors happened to be the perfect fit for our family and was in stock when we ordered. We are so lucky and blessed and now have Bee.

What all this means is that when we meet families who used a Chinese donor and have a child around the same age as Bee, there is a really high chance they are donor siblings. Where to do go from here? Just continue the half conversations at farmer’s markets? Open it up and lay it on the table? Join Donor Sibling Registry (DSR) and let the connections happen there?